Top Five: Signs you are dating a douchebag.

1. He claims that omelets are the wrong choice at any diner because a true diner patron will order their meats separate from their eggs and their cheeses and savor them individually to get a true feel of what said diner has to offer. Screw the free coffee you may have received with that hearty omelet, you chose wrong.

2. He definitively argues that Star Wars is dumb and a waste of time. He even points at you while stating these lies in between snorting huffs, proclaiming your beloved Empire t-shirt is not that awesome and that Han Solo was a pussy.

3. He sets fire to puppies.

4. While shopping for chips and salsa to bring to the family picnic, he dives into yet another one of his sex dreams in which everything spewing from his penis is intended for your mouth. And your face. And your grandmother’s face. And your dog’s face. And your eventual corpse.

5. He thinks Donald Trump is a godsend.