Top Five: Things to do on a Friday night when all of your friends decide to ditch you.

1. Build a Sims family and then murder them in order to boost your self-esteem.

2. Tweeze your chin hairs and the one sideburn that has chosen to reveal itself within the last year. Curse your hairy mother for passing down those genetics.

3. Eat pounds of chocolate and masturbate because, face it, that’s just what people do.

4. Finish season 4 of Wings on Netflix.

5. Buy up the entire Cracker Jack inventory at Pamida and soak your tears in shitty prizes. What?! No mood rings?!!