Top Five: Ways Farmers Ruined Society

1. Convincing everybody we needed to get up at 5 in the morning even to do jobs that don’t actually involve farming. Guys! We could all get up at eleven and everything would be just fine! Stop thinking like farmers!

2. Deciding that growing beets was a good idea, for some stupid reason. Thanks a lot, dicks.

3. Inspiring people to write songs about dogs named “Bingo” and farm animal noises. Fact: no good song has ever been written about a farm. No! No, shut up! This is a fact.

4. After planting beets, those dipshits decided to go right ahead and start cultivating zucchini like total assholes.

5. Whose idea was it to call roosters “cocks”, with all of the accompanying schoolyard chuckling? I don’t know, but it was probably a fucking farmer.