Top 5: Conversations Your Mother Uses Hand Gestures for in order to Enhance the Communication Experience

1. Talking on the telephone - She can’t just tell you that she called Grandma or that she received a call from her gyno. No, she has to bring her thumb and pinky fingers to her face and explain that she has some weird bump on her labia that her doc found and that she called up Grandma to find out some family history stuff.

2. Indicating directions - For as long as you’ve understood cartography, you’ve known that you live somewhere roughly east of California and west of the Atlantic. Your mother will almost always point to the north, however, whenever she is talking about that crazy religious family who lives a town over due south. She can also build a complex model of the Kwik Shop with her hands when she gestures for you to pull over and buy cigarettes.

3. Expressing frustration at inanimate objects - Do you hear your mother yelling obscenities at the computer in the other room? Walk on over and surely you will find her flipping it the bird, too.

4. Imitating her dog - She talks about him incessantly, but she’s also old and has no more children at home. So when she tells you about his latest dash through a field she likes to bring her hands up to her face, squint her eyes, flare her nostrils, and make a noise that, supposedly, Yorkies make.

5. Bleaching assholes - You mistakenly tell your mother that the latest trend in lady hair care is to bleach one’s asshole. She then proceeds to bend over, twist her arm around to her rear and pour an imaginary bottle of bleach down her ass, while saying, “I don’t want to bleach my hole.”