Top 5: Things I Did Last Night Instead of Having Sex Because I Am an Idiot

1. Ate several undercooked brownies as the frosting for week-old cake.

2. Watched South Park. Naked.

3. Did some lunges.

4. Pulled out a really long chin hair with my fingers after about 30 minutes because I was too lazy to walk 10 feet to get the tweezers.

5. Masturbated to Jewel’s “You Were Meant For Me” before falling asleep.