February 2012
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Top 5: Conversations Your Mother Uses Hand...
1. Talking on the telephone - She can’t just tell you that she called Grandma or that she received a call from her gyno. No, she has to bring her thumb and pinky fingers to her face and explain that she has some weird bump on her labia that her doc found and that she called up Grandma to find out some family history stuff.
2. Indicating directions - For as long as you’ve understood...
January 2012
2 posts
1 tag
Top 5: Things Ladies Do to Prepare for Coitus
1. Fart. A lot. Just get it all out. But like a lady, so curtsy a little.
2. Bleach lady holes.
3. Eat a lot of pineapple and kiwi because we read somewhere that those fruits make our lady twats taste yummy.
4. Practice fellatio on carrots. All ladies do this all of the time.
5. Nothing. We are ladies. You just want to fuck us.
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Top 5: Things I Did Last Night Instead of Having...
1. Ate several undercooked brownies as the frosting for week-old cake.
2. Watched South Park. Naked.
3. Did some lunges.
4. Pulled out a really long chin hair with my fingers after about 30 minutes because I was too lazy to walk 10 feet to get the tweezers.
5. Masturbated to Jewel’s “You Were Meant For Me” before falling asleep.
September 2011
1 post
8 tags
Review: JUSTICE LEAGUE #1
I picked up the new Justice League #1 today, so I guess DC’s gamble is paying off for this comic nerd, at least. It mainly concerns Batman meeting Green Lantern, and then, in the final panel, Superman. I am hooked on any story (and comics universe) that chooses to introduce its new comics line with a two-page splash panel of Batman being all badass. It’s a great way to communicate...
August 2011
4 posts
1 tag
Top Five: Other Things that Han Solo Did First
1. The Kessel Run in under 12 parsecs.
2. Lando’s sister.
3. Boba Fett’s sister.
4. Chewie’s sister.
5. Luke’s sister.
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Top Five: Signs you are dating a douchebag.
1. He claims that omelets are the wrong choice at any diner because a true diner patron will order their meats separate from their eggs and their cheeses and savor them individually to get a true feel of what said diner has to offer. Screw the free coffee you may have received with that hearty omelet, you chose wrong.
2. He definitively argues that Star Wars is dumb and a waste of time. He even...
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Top Five: Signs That She Will Do Anal
1. One of the hobbies listed on her dating profile is, “Fitting big things into very tight things, if you catch my drift.”
2. During your first date, she constantly shifts around in her chair. When you ask if her chair is uncomfortable, she replies with, “My chair’s fine, but my ass feels funny, like it doesn’t have anything inside of it.” Sloooooow wink.
3....
July 2011
1 post
1 tag
Top 5: Reasons to fucking love Kevin.
1. Um, obviously, he’s really funny.
2. He resembles a sexy lumberjack version of John C. Reilly.
3. Did I mention his voice makes you want to dry hump? Evidence.
4. Pretty sure you could swap dead baby jokes at an abortion clinic with this dude. Because he’s funny. Obviously.
5. I have a feeling he’d go as any Harrison Ford character at any Halloween party and, really, who...
June 2011
14 posts
1 tag
Top Five: Things I Miss about Being in a...
1. That thing when we’re at a new restaurant, and she asks, “How’s your [INSERT MEAL],” and I give her a critique of my food, and then ask, “How’s yours?”
2. Having a Friday evening off together and figuring out what we want to do, then eventually giving up and drinking beer in front of the television.
3. Having somebody around to bounce all of my silly...
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Top Five: Terrible Movie Ideas That Are Now out...
1. Gremlins prequel! How did Gizmo the mogwai wind up in that Chinese man’s shop in the first place? People want to know this stuff, really!
2. The Real Adventures of Bugs Bunny. Film some rabbits and ducks and stuff. CGI the hell out of them. Toby Jones as Elmer Fudd.
3. Don’t Wake Daddy: The Movie.
4. A “dark, edgy” Back to the Future remake.
5. A Jaws prequel all...
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LIST: 50 Best Singles Released Since 1971 #23
23. “New Jack Hustler,” Ice-T, 1991
Before becoming the scowl-iest detective on the NYPD, Ice-T was actually a musician! I know! Crazy! Not only that, he was one of the architects of the gangsta rap sound. His OG: Original Gangsta album is like a Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band of violent gang fantasy. The song “New Jack Hustler” appears on that album but...
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Top Five: Ideas running through your mind after...
1. Fuck you, fuck you, FUCK YOU.
2. I WAS NOT falling for you, I was just fucking mad about that job interview.
3. I really fucking hate it when you decide to try and be witty about your drunken jazz habit because, let’s face it Kemo Sabe, you are no fucking Satchmo.
4. Fuck you.
5. Fuck me, I’m fucking horny, fuck, fuck, fuck.
REVIEW: "Good Mood Food"
I think it was The Simpsons that coined the expression, “I’m so hungry, I could eat at Arby’s.” For the majority of my life, that was an accurate representation of my feelings toward that particular fast food chain. Arby’s has always seemed sort of low-rent and “mid-west” to me, like the restaurant equivilent of a Walmart. The idea of eating at...
TOP FIVE: Unimaginative Metal Band Names.
1. Enormous Scary Beast 2. Black Something 3. Gory Stuff 4. Not So Wild about Christ 5. Metallica II
LIST: 50 Best Singles Released Since 1971 #22
22. “One,” Metallica, 1989 This was the first song that really exposed Metallica to the non-metalhead world. It was their first true music video, and as such, some fans probably think it was the beginning of the end (no, that was actually the song “Nothing Else Matters”). I admit that this song was where I started paying attention to Metallica, just like everybody else....
J.J. Abrams Is a Wizard
I saw one of my favorite movies today. I didn’t know going in that it would join my Top Whatever, but I new it once the first act wrapped up, and I spent the rest of the running time experiencing a strange combination of emotions: joy at seeing such an amazing film unfold before me, mixed with sheer panic that Abrams might fail to stick the landing.
Well, he didn’t fail.
Super 8 is...
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Top 5: Gender-neutral baby names to give to your...
1. Aloe
2. Forks
3. Sega
4. Iota
5. Zinfandel
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LIST: 50 Best Singles Released Since 1971 #21
21. “The KKK Took My Baby Away,” The Ramones, 1981 There are approximately eight million great songs in the Ramones catalogue, but of their singles, this is my favorite, even more so than “Blitzkrieg Bop” or “I Wanna Be Sedated” or even “Pet Sematary”. It’s just a great little pop song. The Ramones were ugly and awkward and everything that...
LIST: 50 Best Singles Released Since 1971 #20
20. “Santa Monica,” Everclear, 1995 The fact that Everclear basically covered this song about a million times on their subsequent albums does nothing to quench what a great, sad little song this is. I still turn it up when it springs up on the radio, something that can’t be said for any other of this group’s output. Favorite Lyric: “Hungry and hollow for all the...
TOP FIVE: Things Most Commonly Created with Green...
1. Green mouth 2. Green vagina 3. Green ass 4. Green penis (Hal Jordan likes to experiment) 5. Green towel
LIST: 50 Best Singles Released Since 1971 #19
19. “Shadrach,” The Beastie Boys, 1989 You might think I would go with “Fight for Your Right” here (but that’s not really a very good song) or maybe “Sabotage” (which is a better video than song), but after a long two minutes of thought, I’ve determined that this is the best single in the Beastie Boys repertoire. The second single off of their...
May 2011
37 posts
REVIEW: THE HANGOVER PART II
Let’s get this out of the way right up front: this is exactly the same movie as The Hangover. Things get a little raunchier here and there, and the stakes are higher, but the plot points, character beats, and structure are identical to the first movie. So, yes, everything that the critics say is true. However, it is also very funny, and I believe that the similar events and structure...
LIST: 50 Best Singles Released Since 1971 #18
18. “The Gambler,” Kenny Rogers, 1978 Kenny Rogers’ humble little storytelling ditty was huge. It was a massive crossover hit, and it spawned a series of TV movies that Rogers even starred in during the height of his popularity. I can’t even count the number of times I listened to this song in my youth. The great thing about this song is that literally anybody can sing...
LIST: 50 Best Singles Released Since 1971 #17
17. “Song 2,” Blur, 1997
Two minutes of rock-pop bliss, pure and simple. This is the sort of song that is crafted from the ground up to be a hit single, and is that such a bad thing, really? A good-natured, catchy little parody of American grunge music that is such a throwaway tune that the band never even bothered to give it a real title, “Song 2” became the song...
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Top Five: Things to do on a Friday night when all...
1. Build a Sims family and then murder them in order to boost your self-esteem.
2. Tweeze your chin hairs and the one sideburn that has chosen to reveal itself within the last year. Curse your hairy mother for passing down those genetics.
3. Eat pounds of chocolate and masturbate because, face it, that’s just what people do.
4. Finish season 4 of Wings on Netflix.
5. Buy up the entire...
LIST: 50 Best Singles Released Since 1971 #16
16. “Wonderwall,” Oasis, 1995 I presume I wasn’t alone in losing my mind the first time I heard this song. It’s just good. A lot can be said about Oasis, and the Gallagher brothers, both good and bad, but this song is pop perfection. If you hate this song, I can only assume that you put a lot of effort into hating. Favorite Lyric: “And all the roads that lead you...
REVIEW: BRIDESMAIDS
It’s good…but not that good. It’s funny…but not that funny. It stretches the envelope of the standard rom-com…but not that much. And that’s pretty much what I have to say about Bridesmaids. Maybe a second viewing will help me appreciate it more, but I’ll probably never see it a second time, because, no matter what you’ve been told by other...
LIST: 50 Best Singles Released Since 1971 #15
15. “One Thing Leads to Another,” The Fixx, 1983 More than almost any other single from that decade, this song and video say, “The 1980’s” to me. In fact, when you listen to any of the new-New Wave bands currently out there, what do they sound like? This song. The 80’s were a grand time for singles and one-hit-wonders, and The Fixx, and this song, are one...
LIST: 50 Best Singles Released Since 1971 #14
14. “Jailbreak,” AC/DC, 1976 Some songs are simply a master-class in badassness. The first time I ever heard “Jailbreak,” I knew that I had stumbled upon something primal, that I had just started laying the foundation of the way I felt rock music was supposed to sound. Very few bands have communicated the spirit of youthful rebellion as fluently as AC/DC, and in my...
TOP FIVE: Advanced Masturbation Techniques
1. The Squirrel’s Turtleneck 2. The Imaginary Cousin 3. The Agoraphobic Shrew 4. The Ball, The Pumpkin, The Wicked Stepsisters, and the Other Ball 5. The Rube Goldberg Apparatus
TOP FIVE: Supervillains with Inadequacy Issues
1. Dr. Everything-Shaped-like-a-Huge-Wang 2. Destructocroc, Jr. (Who Totally Lives up to the Detructocroc Name and Is in Many Ways Superior to the Original Destructocroc, DAD!) 3. Professor “I Have Conquered that Stuttering Problem” 4. General A-Lot-of-People-Live-with-Their-Moms 5. The Overlord of Idaho
LIST: 50 Best Singles Released Since 1971 #13
13. “Hotel California,” The Eagles, 1977
Not unlike Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski, I hate the fuckin’ Eagles, man. However, the epic, dreamlike, poetic power of this poison love-letter to Southern California cannot be denied. Divorced from everything you may love or hate about the Eagles, it’s still a hell of a song (confession: so is “Life in the Fast...
LIST: 50 Best Singles Released Since 1971 #12
12. “Drop It Like It’s Hot,” Snoop Dogg feat. Pharrell, 2004 For those afraid that hip-hop would be under-represented on this list, trust me, you have nothing to worry about. And what better to introduce some swagger to this list than Snoop Dogg’s first number-one hit, this Grammy-nominated team-up with Pharrell that is quite a radical departure from the rap singles...
REVIEW: Oreo Fudge Cremes
Though the commercial would have you believe that these cookies are off-the-charts amazing, they’re really not all that. In fact, what they really are, really-really, is just a Fudge-Covered Oreo missing its top layer. That’s it, pretty much.
I mean, they’re nice and all, but I’ve only eaten about four out of the package so far, and I think that’s really saying...
TOP FIVE: Rapture Embarrassments
1. Raptured right in the middle of a good shit. 2. Mistaking Rapture for an earthquake; Jesus catches you cowering in a door frame 3. You and Phyllis wear the same novelty T-shirt to the Rapture. AWKWARD. 4. Only person un-Raptured in the Wal-Mart. 5. After watching 11 hours of Investigation Discovery programming in a row, you accidentally mace Jesus in the face. You are still Raptured, but...
LIST: 50 Best Singles Released Since 1971 #11
11. “Rebab,” Amy Winehouse, 2006 Get your Winehouse jokes out of the way. We all know the story of her career near-suicide, the drugs and the sluttiness and the weight loss. We know it so well that it’s obscured what a wonderful retro-soul album this single was taken from. Who wasn’t laid slack-jaw when they heard “Rehab” for the first time? The song is that...
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TOP FIVE: PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN Sequel Titles
1. Pirates of the Caribbean: Jack Sparrow Farts on a Cake and Mugs at the Camera 2. Pirates of the Caribbean: Yo-Ho-Ho-That’ll-Be-13-Bucks-Please 3. Pirates of the Caribbean: Assorted Seafaring Bumfuckery 3D 4. BUTT Pirates of the CaREARibbean: Yeah, We Just Went Ahead and Made Our Own Porn Parody, So What? 5. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Prequel: The Birth of Jack Sparrow: The Rise of...
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (2010) Film Review
For all of the hate this movie got upon release, I was expecting a real pile of crap, but I was pleasantly surprised by a lot of what this movie had to offer, from the seething anger of Jackie Earle Haley’s Frederick Krueger, to the ferocity of the kills. Also, the expanding of Freddy’s backstory to put it more in line with Wes Craven’s original vision of Krueger was a very...
vpache asked: Thor was the weakest superhero movie I've seen yet. I think I even liked the third X-Men movie better! Maybe it was the fact that I just can't wrap my head around Thor being a superhero to begin with. I normally LOVE natalie Portman too, but I thought her performance was almost sarcasticly over the top.
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LIST: 50 Best Singles Released Since 1971 #10
10. “Girlfriend,” Matthew Sweet, 1991
Matthew Sweet, once upon a time, was a one-man guitar-power-pop factory. I don’t know where he went, because I stopped paying attention when his latest album was completely terrible, but he put out a good four or so albums in a row that were just jam-packed with this stuff, and it was great while it lasted.
The video got major rotation...
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THOR Film Review
If you have ever owned a bag of polygonal dice, there will be much for you to enjoy in this film, if you don’t think about things too much. I’m not saying that you need to switch your brain off to enjoy the movie, just that the storytelling limitations of its source material are very much in evidence. Regardless, it is a handsome, rambunctious film, and I enjoyed it.
The Metrics:
...
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LIST: 50 Best Singles Released Since 1971 #9
9. “Pump It Up,” Elvis Costello, 1978
I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, an Elvis Costello “fan”. He has a handful of decent songs, many, many, many virtually unlistenable songs, and there are huge tracts of his recording career that are middle-of-the-road dogshit for aging hipsters.
However.
I will go to the mat for “Pump It Up” any day....
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Top Five: Pop Cultural Tumblr Names Still...
1. yorthehunterfromthefuture.tumblr.com
2. fuckyeahsnorks.tumblr.com
3. BillyCrystalFan.tumblr.com
4. talesofthegoldmonkey.tumblr.com
5. cop-rock.tumblr.com
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LIST: 50 Best Singles Released Since 1971 #8
8. “Space Lord,” Monster Magnet, 1998
One of the most bad-ass rock tunes in recent memory, “Space Lord” is as good a choice as any for that one tasty bit of stoner rock to tie your mix-tape together. A stadium and soundtrack favorite, “Space Lord” must always be played loud. A great song; a sporadically great band. I really don’t know what more needs to...
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LIST: 50 Best Singles Released Since 1971 #7
7. “My Sharona,” The Knack, 1979
Maybe you want to give me shit about this selection. To that, I can only invite you to go fuck yourself, because with all the jokes this “one-hit wonder” has had to endure over the years, “My Sharona” is still an almost supernaturally hook-filled pop masterpiece. The Knack were no slouches. They knew how to write a song, and...
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LIST: 50 Best Singles Released Since 1971 #6
6. “Cannonball,” The Breeders, 1993
Anybody who listened to alternative radio (back when they still called it that) back in the early 90’s couldn’t escape this monster hit, and I can’t imagine anybody who would want to. A perfect confluence of hooks, adorably abstruse lyrics, and girl-rock spunk, it was the recipe for the ultimate, bouncy, late-summer hit.
Being...
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LIST: 50 Best Singles Released Since 1971 #5
5. “Sweet Child o’ Mine,” Guns N’ Roses, 1988
This is the only number one hit Guns N’ Roses ever had, and this song was an ever-present monster back in the day, on both radio and MTV. Even my grandmother liked this song, and trust me, she wasn’t a rocker. Written, as so many great singles tend to be, almost by accident, based on a joke riff that Slash was...
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Top Five: Ways Farmers Ruined Society
1. Convincing everybody we needed to get up at 5 in the morning even to do jobs that don’t actually involve farming. Guys! We could all get up at eleven and everything would be just fine! Stop thinking like farmers!
2. Deciding that growing beets was a good idea, for some stupid reason. Thanks a lot, dicks.
3. Inspiring people to write songs about dogs named “Bingo” and farm...