1. Talking on the telephone - She can’t just tell you that she called Grandma or that she received a call from her gyno. No, she has to bring her thumb and pinky fingers to her face and explain that she has some weird bump on her labia that her doc found and that she called up Grandma to find out some family history stuff.
2. Indicating directions - For as long as you’ve understood cartography, you’ve known that you live somewhere roughly east of California and west of the Atlantic. Your mother will almost always point to the north, however, whenever she is talking about that crazy religious family who lives a town over due south. She can also build a complex model of the Kwik Shop with her hands when she gestures for you to pull over and buy cigarettes.
3. Expressing frustration at inanimate objects - Do you hear your mother yelling obscenities at the computer in the other room? Walk on over and surely you will find her flipping it the bird, too.
4. Imitating her dog - She talks about him incessantly, but she’s also old and has no more children at home. So when she tells you about his latest dash through a field she likes to bring her hands up to her face, squint her eyes, flare her nostrils, and make a noise that, supposedly, Yorkies make.
5. Bleaching assholes - You mistakenly tell your mother that the latest trend in lady hair care is to bleach one’s asshole. She then proceeds to bend over, twist her arm around to her rear and pour an imaginary bottle of bleach down her ass, while saying, “I don’t want to bleach my hole.”
1. Fart. A lot. Just get it all out. But like a lady, so curtsy a little.
2. Bleach lady holes.
3. Eat a lot of pineapple and kiwi because we read somewhere that those fruits make our lady twats taste yummy.
4. Practice fellatio on carrots. All ladies do this all of the time.
5. Nothing. We are ladies. You just want to fuck us.
1. Ate several undercooked brownies as the frosting for week-old cake.
2. Watched South Park. Naked.
3. Did some lunges.
4. Pulled out a really long chin hair with my fingers after about 30 minutes because I was too lazy to walk 10 feet to get the tweezers.
5. Masturbated to Jewel’s “You Were Meant For Me” before falling asleep.
I picked up the new Justice League #1 today, so I guess DC’s gamble is paying off for this comic nerd, at least. It mainly concerns Batman meeting Green Lantern, and then, in the final panel, Superman. I am hooked on any story (and comics universe) that chooses to introduce its new comics line with a two-page splash panel of Batman being all badass. It’s a great way to communicate something slightly different about this DC universe: Superman isn’t the center of it.
GL and Bats don’t get along, of course. There is much Hal Jordan arrogance and Batman abrasiveness. The best exchange comes when Jordan is asking Batman what his powers were, finally coming to this astonished realization:
You’re not just some guy in a bat costume, are you? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?
Fucking priceless.
I dug it. Jim Lee’s art is superhero tasty, it’s a brisk, exciting read, it name-drops Darkseid, and I want to read more.
The Metrics
- Art: 4
- Story: 3.5
- Batman: 4.5
- Green Lantern: 3
- No Aquaman: 5
- Average: 4
Recommended.
1. The Kessel Run in under 12 parsecs.
2. Lando’s sister.
3. Boba Fett’s sister.
4. Chewie’s sister.
5. Luke’s sister.
1. He claims that omelets are the wrong choice at any diner because a true diner patron will order their meats separate from their eggs and their cheeses and savor them individually to get a true feel of what said diner has to offer. Screw the free coffee you may have received with that hearty omelet, you chose wrong.
2. He definitively argues that Star Wars is dumb and a waste of time. He even points at you while stating these lies in between snorting huffs, proclaiming your beloved Empire t-shirt is not that awesome and that Han Solo was a pussy.
3. He sets fire to puppies.
4. While shopping for chips and salsa to bring to the family picnic, he dives into yet another one of his sex dreams in which everything spewing from his penis is intended for your mouth. And your face. And your grandmother’s face. And your dog’s face. And your eventual corpse.
5. He thinks Donald Trump is a godsend.
1. One of the hobbies listed on her dating profile is, “Fitting big things into very tight things, if you catch my drift.”
2. During your first date, she constantly shifts around in her chair. When you ask if her chair is uncomfortable, she replies with, “My chair’s fine, but my ass feels funny, like it doesn’t have anything inside of it.” Sloooooow wink.
3. She keeps asking you if you can “Rect-ify the situation.” Ex: “Wow! I am so bored…could you rect-ify that situation?” Sloooooow wink.
4. She has very passionate opinions on the subject of lubrication.
5. She has a tramp stamp reading, “Insert penis here,” with an arrow pointing into her ass-crack.
1. Um, obviously, he’s really funny.
2. He resembles a sexy lumberjack version of John C. Reilly.
3. Did I mention his voice makes you want to dry hump? Evidence.
4. Pretty sure you could swap dead baby jokes at an abortion clinic with this dude. Because he’s funny. Obviously.
5. I have a feeling he’d go as any Harrison Ford character at any Halloween party and, really, who would actually have a problem with that?
1. That thing when we’re at a new restaurant, and she asks, “How’s your [INSERT MEAL],” and I give her a critique of my food, and then ask, “How’s yours?”
2. Having a Friday evening off together and figuring out what we want to do, then eventually giving up and drinking beer in front of the television.
3. Having somebody around to bounce all of my silly ideas off, getting immediate feedback.
4. Having company on those boring and otherwise depressing trips to the grocery store.
5. When I put [REDACTED] in [REDACTED] in the shower, then [REDACTED] her [REDACTED] until [REDACTED] all over [REDACTED], and she [REDACTED] my [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED].
